My Life on the “Mom Spectrum”

As a special needs parent, I hear all the time about the spectrum my child lives on.  Everything these days seems to be graded on some kind of continuum with an extreme on each side - high functioning vs low functioning. While Bentley doesn’t have autism, his daily functioning still ranges on a spectrum and can fluctuate based on a number of factors. In our house we classify them as “on” and “off” days, and these days really are as different as night and day.

This got me wondering, do I “mom” on a spectrum?  Are there factors that influence my functioning along the mom spectrum?  Without having to think too hard I know the answer to this is yes. I also know the factors impacting my ability to “mom” range from seemingly insignificant to vital: my hair, my stress level, my physical energy, the status of my manicure, my sleep (or lack there of), my husband’s mood, our financial status, my workout, my spiritual “fullness,” the list goes on. My level of functioning on the mom spectrum changes daily, if not hourly, and any single factor can throw it out of balance.  How then do I—do we-navigate the mom spectrum and find joy among the unpredictability and chaos of life?  How do we find the ability to give ourselves grace on our “off” days and recognize the factors that have contributed to the slide? By no means do I have all of the answers. I do, however, have thoughts on how the mom spectrum impacts my life. Hopefully, by sharing them it might shed some light on the factors that affect your mom spectrum, how to recognize their impact and how to control outside stimuli to help you have more “on” mom days.

High functioning mom factor number one for me is routine.  Period.  If routine is so important to my special needs child, why would it not also be important for me?  When my day operates within the expected boundaries of my normal routine, I am much more capable of adapting when necessary.  Alternatively, when I am outside of my routine, my ability to optimally “mom” takes a hit.  While I pride myself on being a fairly flexible individual, ready and able to “go with the flow” I know lack of control over my routine can send me on a spiral down the mom spectrum.

There are two essential elements to my routine: exercise and quiet time with God.  I have slowly realized this about myself and learned to prioritize them regardless of my schedule. Even in the midst of school break or a family holiday I CREATE time to get in a workout.  This establishes normalcy and helps keep me at the top of my mom game.  In order for me to do this I occasionally have to swallow my mom pride and, wait for it . . . ask for help!  Asking for help can make me feel like the biggest mom FAILURE.  I should be able to manage my kids on my own, and how selfish of me to ask someone else to watch my children so I can do something for myself?!  That, my friend, is a dangerous lie we tell ourselves and I am here to tell you to STOP listening to it immediately!  Do we not all tell our children if you need help just ask for it? Would any of you say no to them if they really need your help?  Well, I can assure you that your community of people rallying alongside you to help raise those tiny humans feels the same way.  You just need to ask.  In order to be high functioning moms, wives, friends, sisters, daughters, or whatever other role you hold, you must first be taking care of YOU.  So ask for help when you need it, and accept help from those who have offered it to you - you do not have to do it alone. 

The second element of my routine is quiet time with God.  When I try to mom in my own strength apart from listening for God’s direction and truth I can only last for a small period of time.  I may do pretty well for a few days, or a week, but as my spiritual tank empties, I lose my ability to exercise patience and grace, or deal with that spilled milk on my table for the third time that day. Prioritizing time with God by waking up early, or pausing before I fold that laundry or do those dishes allows me to say yes to truth and encouragement in my life.  Spending time being filled up with truth and listening for God to meet me where I am that day or that moment allows me to better accept the lack of control in my life.   I urge you to say no, or that can wait, to a task on your list and just sit and be with God.  Ask for direction, read the word and see how He can help you take a low functioning day into a high functioning day.  It may mean some items on your list do not get done today.  And that is OK.  Because what it does mean is that you will be better equipped to handle whatever life might throw your way that day.  And with kids, that could (literally) be anything.

How about those days when you just wake up on the low side of the mom spectrum?  The days when even before your husband speaks he has breathed in your direction the wrong way?  For my son, his low functioning days are recognizable from the moment he gets out of bed.  They generally begin with a random act of hitting his sister or screaming “no” and tossing a blanket across the room.  On these days I find myself asking all kinds of “what do you need questions”.  I know this behavior happens as a result of a need – sometimes a lack of sensory integration, or sometimes he just needs to snuggle.  As many special needs families do, we attend therapy weekly to learn new skills and master others.  Through therapy my child is afforded the ability to practice the skills he doesn’t just “pick up” as neuro-typical kids do.  Therapy has taught me how to dig for answers to find a solution. So why do I not investigate my own needs the same way?  I must acknowledge those days, those moments, and search for what it is I need in order to function better.  I would never expect my son to just “power through” the day, so why do I expect that from myself? Acknowledge the imbalance, check in with yourself and do not be afraid to apologize to your children (or your spouse) if you need to, or ask for a little extra grace that day.  We are not super human – but it sometimes feels like a job requirement.

This mom thing is tough, and there is no right way to do it.  Maybe your laundry has sat in the dryer for two days and you just ran it through another cycle to get the wrinkles out.  If you feel anything like I feel, parenting is the hardest job you have ever had that you were the least qualified for.  Somehow that hospital let you walk out with that baby and you have been just trying to keep your head above water ever since.  Yet, despite all of this, being a mom is the most rewarding job I have ever had.  Being a mom has taught me more about life, relationships and who I was created to be than I could have ever imagined.  My advice to you my friends on this crazy mom adventure we are on is to find your routine, check in with yourself and ask for help when you need it.  Give yourself all the tools you need to be a high functioning mom.

Also coffee…

…lots of coffee