Am I back at square one?

Today as we prepare to take our little Bentley for his second brain MRI I find myself overwhelmed with emotions - fears and anxieties as if I was back at the starting line of this journey.

Over the past four years I have watched God protect Bentley and I have seen Him heal his brain and His body. Not miraculously, not completely, but piece by piece and day-by-day. God has provided people, protection, physical and financial needs and, as promised, He has provided more than we could ask or imagine. And yet, despite knowing all of this at this point of the journey I find myself seemingly back at square one.

Yesterday I broke down in the car wash. Actually, not just at the car wash. At bible study, the carwash, the bus stop, my office and then later again on my couch. At times crying uncontrollably - my mamma heart split wide open by a simple phone call of the genetic testing center to confirm we would pay for the results. I knew this call was coming - I knew what the test was for - but her nonchalant voice on the other end of the phone reading the words of what the test was screening for cut so deep.

For a 3-minute car wash I cried the ugly cry. My poor four year old in the backseat began to cry and through her tears do you know what she sang?

“What a mighty God we serve, what a mighty God we serve, angels bow before Him heaven and earth adore Him What a mighty God we serve”.

Wow.

Yes.

Ok.

In the span of that 3-minute car wash and the truth spoken by a four year old I realized I am not at square one. I have been equipped with four years of experience on this journey. I have been able to watch God show up and provide in every area of need. And I know that He is faithful. Faithful is who God is - who He always was and who He will always be - He can’t not be faithful. So I squeezed her tiny hand, dried my tears and continued on.

While I KNOW all of these truths - the steps of yesterday were still heavy. I would love to tell you that the car wash was a cleansing of my heart - that my anxieties and fears were lifted and that I was able to walk in peace and freedom - but it wasn’t. The whole day was hard - my heart remained heavy and I was bitter and angry. And yet God, in His grace, provided people to speak His truth into my heavy heart, to remind me I am not alone. To remind me there is purpose in this pain and that while I don’t understand God’s plan, or His timing, that His purpose for Bentley is indeed perfect.

And so this morning, I once again laid down my sweet boy at the feet of Jesus. In the beginning of this journey it was a daily routine, I would release my so called “control” over Bentley, his diagnosis and his future to God and let God be God. Somewhere along the way I didn’t have to lay down my fear anymore, I had relinquished my desire to control the uncontrollable and I walked in peace knowing Jesus was carrying the weight of it all. But somewhere in these past three years I picked it pack up. Piece by piece I picked up my fears, my anxieties, and I have tried to carry Bentley on my own, fix all the things, see all the doctors, control all of the outcomes. And yesterday, it all just became too heavy. It’s not too heavy because I am not strong, because I am strong, it’s too heavy because I was not meant to carry it. And so, reluctantly and yet without fear I surrender my child to the one who heals, the one who protects, the one who controls the entire universe - for I know it is a task that only He can accomplish.

So my friends, I am not at square one, I am somewhere in the middle of this messy journey right where God has perfectly positioned me to be. Is it easy? No. Do I like it? No. But, I will consider it pure joy for I know my God remains in control of all of the uncontrollable.

xoxo,

Corie